


Love Like You

by academmia



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Human AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Revovery, aftermath of toxic relationships, give patton a hug and a trophy, janus is a good boyfriend but boyfriends aren't therapists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26816854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/academmia/pseuds/academmia
Summary: Janus knows that the people Patton has surrounded himself with have been incredibly toxic. He trusts Patton but he doesn't always trust Patton to take care of himself. He should have known better. (this is such a bad summary)
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Love Like You

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this back in june but I thought id throw it up here so I could finally have my stuff on ao3
> 
> A/N: This fic is a study in toxic relationships, from the POV of the victim and the people around them. It also has a minor OC threaten to commit suicide(he doesn’t go through with it) Please stay safe!

Janus should have paid more attention. He knew Patton had been in several toxic and emotionally abusive relationships. He knew Patton had dangerously low levels of self-esteem. He knew Patton was like fresh blood for all the cruel and manipulative people around him. He knew Patton didn’t see the problem with people treating him badly. He had been trying to work on it with Patton. He tried to model what setting boundaries looked like. He’s made it very clear what he will and will not do to Patton. He even begged Patton to get professional help after a, particularly bad breakdown. Patton refused, of course, citing that he didn’t want to be a burden. Janus didn’t see the point of telling Patton that it was literally the therapist’s job to listen to him. 

But he let his own fears get in the way. He was so afraid of being controlling that he didn’t meet Patton’s friends to make sure they had his best interests in mind. 

He had no intention of going through Patton’s messages, and Janus didn’t mean to read the message.

_From Ethan: I can’t believe you, Patton. I thought we were friends, I thought you were helping me, but instead, you’re like one of the toxic people in my life. I don’t know what to do anymore. You know I feel hopeless all the time. My self-esteem is so low and I really hate myself. I’ve been struggling lately and I thought you knew that. You can’t just leave me for your “boyfriend”. I need you more. And if you don’t break up with Janus, I’m going to jump._

Fuck. It was all right there. Patton was being manipulated again. Ethan was praying on Patton’s guilt in the worst way possible. 

God, Janus wished more than ever that Patton could just have some self-esteem. That he would just listen to Janus when he told Patton how amazing he is. He wished Patton would stop letting his own terrible judgment be the only voice in the room. He wished he would finally listen to Janus when he told Patton that he needed help.

Patton was sitting at the kitchen table. His dirty blonde bangs were in front of his eyes. He had a relaxed smile on his face. But the was Patton so he wasn’t completely relaxed. He still looked impossibly tired. He was hunched in on himself and Janus was reminded of how afraid Patton is. Janus can’t imagine what it feels like. Sometimes Janus forgets. Forgets that even at his best, Patton is never in a good place. Janus doesn’t want to have this conversation, he doesn’t want to destroy the tiny amount of peace Patton has managed to find, but he has to do it. Patton needs help, and Janus will make him get it whether or not Patton likes it. 

“Hey, Pat?” Janus said from the doorway. 

“Mhm?” Patton said, not looking up from his book.

“You got a text. From Ethan,” Janus said carefully. 

Patton froze, and Janus’ anger grew. 

“You know what he said Patton?” Janus questioned. 

Patton responded with a minuscule shake of his head. 

“He said he was going to kill himself if you didn’t break up with me,” Janus said, and Patton’s eyes finally shot up to meet his. 

“Janus, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m not going to break up with you, I just need to help Ethan and then-,” Patton said, but Janus cut him off.

“What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck, Patton? He’s blackmailing you with suicide and the first thing you can think to say is that you won’t break up with me? What the hell? This guy has gotten Bingo for being toxic Patton, don’t you get it?” Janus said. He needed Patton to get this.

“You’re being crazy! He needs my help!” Patton shouted, the tears cascading down his cheeks, “I’m not letting anyone take advantage of me.”

Janus turned on him, “that’s such bullshit, Patton!” He snarled, “He was going to take advantage of you until I stepped in.”

Patton flinched back and Janus wanted to punch himself. “I’m not letting people take advantage of me!” his voice cracked, “That can’t happen to me again! It’s not happening again!”

Janus knew he shouldn’t go in for the kill. Patton was breaking right in front of him. Janus knew that above all the one thing Patton was afraid of was being pulled into was another toxic relationship. This situation should be handled with caution and care. But Janus just wanted to scream and shout. Patton was denying the truth of the situation and that was dangerous. Janus was tired and sleep-deprived and nothing made him angrier than Patton in danger.

“No, you are! You are in a toxic relationship Patton and you’re too blinded by your fear of realizing your letting yourself fall into the same trap again! He’s using suicide as a way to control you! He’s isolating you from the people who love you!” Janus shouted and Patton just shook even harder. He had a dead look in his eyes. The same look he had in his eyes when they first met.

“Really? Well, maybe you’re the one taking advantage of me! Ever think of that Janus?” Patton screamed back and oh, he knew where to hit Janus so it hurt.

Janus’ biggest fear was becoming one of the people who made Patton flinch whenever someone raised their voice. He was afraid one day he’d be one of the toxic people he hated so much.

Janus was pissed and afraid and worried, and yeah, it was better Janus left for the sake of both of them. Before Janus said something he would regret.

Janus deflated and avoided Patton’s gaze. Patton’s chest was heaving up and down and he had a manic look in his eyes.

“Patton I think it’s better if I crashed at Logan’s tonight ok?” Janus said softly.

Patton broke. He crashed and burned. His legs buckled beneath him. His chest still and he was making choking noises.

“Please don’t go,” Patton whimpered, “Please Jay, I won’t lose you too.”

Janus rushed over to Patton and cradled him to his chest. 

“Breathe,” Janus said firmly, “In for four, hold for seven, breathe out for eight, come on Patton you know the Drill, I’m right here” 

It took about thirty minutes for Patton to stop shaking like he was in a snowstorm, and breathe like he wasn’t drowning. Janus ran his fingers through Patton’s hair and wished he could help more. 

Janus loved Patton. He loved the way Patton could make anyone feel safe. He loved how he always got ice cream on his nose. He loved living with Patton. 

But sometimes it was exhausting. Staying up until 3 am telling Patton he loved him while Patton just kept calling him a liar. Having to check out Patton’s friends just because he knew Patton wasn’t going to stop them from abusing him. Constantly having to reassure Patton that it was ok to exist. 

“I’m sorry,” Patton whispered. 

What was Janus supposed to say? It’s Ok? 

“I know,” Janus whispered into Patton’s hair. 

Janus knew he should push it. He should force Patton to talk about it, but yeah, he was weak. He was tired and all he wanted to do was cuddle with his boyfriend. This how it always ended. Sometimes it was hard for J

Janus pulled Patton to his feet and grabbed him a T-shirt and flannel pants. Patton was silent as he brushed his teeth and crawled into bed beside Janus. 

Janus slid his arms around Patton and wished for the umpteenth time that Patton would realize his worth.

“Janus?” Patton mumbled? 

“Yes, darling?” 

“I need help,” Patton said, “Like professional help, I’m… not okay. It’s not fair to you, to unload all of this on you, and it’s not fair to me. I can’t just shove everything down and pretend it doesn’t exist. That’s not real, no matter or much I want it to be .” Patton’s voice was shaky. 

God, Janus loved him so much. 

“Yeah,” Janus said, “I’m so proud of you Patton.” 

It was so quiet that Janus was sure he imagined it, but Patton whispered back, “Me too,” 

Recovery was not fun. It was climbing out of a dark hole for hours and hours hoping that soon you’d see just a little bit of light. It was going against everything Patton had ingrained in himself for years. There were too many days where Patton just wanted to give up.

Janus was always there though. After every therapy appointment, he would be there with Patton’s favorite smoothie. He texted him funny cat videos on the bad days. Janus would sit with Patton during the worst of the storm and hold his hand. He never told Patton that the glass was either half empty or half full. Janus told Patton that sometimes the glass is just empty and that’s ok too. Janus was the reason Patton kept pushing back against every voice in his head telling him to stop. 

But Janus was there for the good things too. He was there when Patton came back from work with a manic grin on his face because he told his coworker that no, Patton would not be doing all the work for them that night. They made a cake that night and stayed up until early morning dancing in their kitchen. Janus was there to see the smiles. The smiles Janus never thought would come back. Janus was there when Patton was finally able to wear something tight-fitting, whispering words in his ear that made Patton’s face light up like fire. 

Janus wasn’t there when Patton banged on Ethan’s door with fire in his eyes one year after Janus had seen the text. 

Ethan didn’t look different when he opened the door, “Patton? What are you doing here? Are you finally apologizing.” Ethan didn’t sound different. 

“No,” Patton said, “I’m here to tell you something,” 

He looked Ethan in the eyes, “I’m here to tell you that you didn’t break me. I’m still here after everything you put me through, I’m still smiling. I have an amazing boyfriend, and I’m better than ever. So fuck you, Ethan,” Ethan’s eyes were comically large as Patton walked away.

Woah. Patton had no clue where that came from. He was planning to see how Ethan was doing and make sure Ethan knew what he did. 

He waited for the shame and the fear and doubt to come rushing back. It took ten minutes for Patton to realize that it wasn’t coming back. 

Patton was strong, and he was capable, and he could get back up. 

Three years after that day, Janus was down on one knee in the kitchen. 

He spent the entire night cuddling with his boyfriend, his fiance, and Patton felt truly happy for the first time in years. 

A week later he was sitting in Emilie’s office, twisting the silver ring around his finger.

“So, Patton,” Emile said, “How are you doing today?” 

“I’m great!” Patton said.

“I’m glad.” Emile said, and then with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes added, “and I’m sure the ring on your finger helps with that good mood,” 

Patton laughed, “Yeah, it does,” 

“I don’t if you’ve noticed, but it’s been 4 years since we started talking, any thoughts?” Emilie said. 

If Patton could meet himself from four years ago he’d probably give him a hug and a promise that it would get better. Patton still had bad days. There were only so many meds and therapy could do. Janus still found him in the kitchen at 3 am on bad nights. Sometimes Patton still felt the urge to give up. But with every passing day, the urge got smaller and smaller. And oh, there had been days where showing up at Emile’s office had just seemed so pointless. It had been so hard to not hold back and to tell Emile the things he needed help with.

A few years ago Janus asked him a question.

“If I asked you to name all the things you love, how long would it take for you to say yourself?” 

Patton didn’t have an answer then. 

But today? Right now? 

It would only take a few seconds. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! 
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


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